After spending a rigorous couple of hours with Legolas, I decided to take a nap. Those elves have a lot of energy to spend. :) So I went to my nice comfortable home, took a twenty minute nap, freshened up, and headed over to Gandalf’s. Walking down the road with more fresh baked goods in my basket, I notice many of the community members out and about. I saw President Otto on her scooter. I saw Leah on the trampoline. I saw Riv Elf bouncing on her pogo stick. I saw Meg thru a window watching North (again). :D I saw Watson on the swings. I saw Sweet April on the merry-go-round. I saw Pooh Bear in a sail boat. I saw Tam at the pony rides. I saw Cherry picking cherries off a tree. What a lovely day in the Wood Republic. So on I continue to Gandalf’s house. Before I left I had changed my clothes after my nap. I was now wearing a cute spaghetti strap dress with comfy yet stylish sandals. And of course I had my basket of fresh baked goods. :) Once I get up to Gandalf’s door I read a sign hanging upon it. *speak friend and enter* it said. Um, okay.
"Frieeend," I said slowly. Then I waited. No answer. "Friend," I said again, louder. Still no answer. I clear my throat and say, "FRIEND!" in my obnoxious American voice. Getting bored and impatient, I decided to start singing the word “friend” over and over while dancing around in circles. And I got into it, too. My voice got louder as my dancing started to look more and more like Elaine’s from Seinfeld. The door flew open and Gandalf was there, eyes ablaze.
"It's just a sign, you dumbass!" he said, grabbing my arm and pulling me inside. "Don’t you know how to knock?"
I stumbled inside, feeling somewhat rattled, and steadied myself. The old dude is a strong son of a bitch with a firm grip. Once my eyes adjusted to the lighting inside (or lack thereof), I notice that my dress got twisted sideways. I turned it the right direction and smoothed it out, afraid to look at Gandalf in the eyes.
"Excuse me for my abruptness," Gandalf said with a calmer voice, helping me smooth out my dress. "I was on the commode when you first came to the door. Do you know how annoying it is to hear someone say friend repeatedly when you are trying to do your business? How can you show 'it' whose boss when someone is yelling friend? I didn't even put that bloody sign up. The silly members of the Fellowship keep putting it up every time I take it down. They just love to rub in the fact that I don't know everything," he explained, shaking his head. He put his hand on my shoulder and guided me to his large kitchen. I handed him the basket of fresh baked goods which he accepted with thanks. He placed the basket on the counter and we sat down at the breakfast nook. "So what is the meaning of this visit?" Gandalf asked in his kind yet no bullshitting way.
"Well, I was with Frodo and Sam this morning," I started.
"Sam is always with Frodo,” Gandalf interrupted while looking at his hair. “It’s like buy one get one free with them. It’s comes in handy many a times. But Sam can get to be a tad neurotic. Sorry dear. Go on," he said, tossing his long hair over his shoulder.
"I was trying to help them with their hair, but it was hopeless in this middle earth weather. It’s so frizzy, they look like they just saw Sauron in a Palantir. I spoke to Legolas, and he said that you might be able to help," I said with hopeful and pleading eyes.
"I think we might manage something," he said smiling. He grabbed my hand in a comforting way and asked, "Would you like something to drink? How about a glass of wine?” He rose from his seat and went into the cupboard for some glasses. I didn’t even say yes to the offer. I guess it was his way of telling me that it was time to get loaded whether I had wanted to or not. “Could you hold on to my staff for me please? I really don’t want it to fall on the floor,” he asked as he poured the wine into the glasses. I grabbed the staff which was leaning on the table, not knowing to be firm or gentle with my grip. Never had I held a wizard’s staff in my hands before. Gandalf must have noticed my reaction to his long staff. “Just hold it in whatever way is comfortable for you. You have not been trained to work the staff correctly. The staff takes lots of long hard practice. So it’s not like it’ll shoot something out after holding it for a few minutes. It’s been work many times and knows when to perform and when not to. My staff is nothing like the One Schlong if that’s what you’re thinking. It won’t take control of you and use you as the One Schlong would. It’s a powerful force, isn’t it?” By now he has sat back down with me with the wine and set his staff back in his lap.
“Oh dear yes,” I replied, eyes wide open. Just thinking about the One Schlong made me take a long drink from the glass. “When I was with Frodo last night and this morning, I had a hard time controlling myself. I’m sure Sam gets that way too. It’s a force to be reckoned with, for sure! It can be overpowering at times, to the point where it’s all I can think about. At times I wish that the One Schlong had never come to me. I wish that I wasn’t drawn to it so.” I looked up at Gandalf to get a response. He had quite a perturbed look on his face. Then I started to get afraid. The room started to go black while Gandalf rose from his seat and seemed to grow larger and intimidating. My heart started to pound as I shrunk back into my seat. What did I say that was so wrong? Gandalf leaned over to me and pulled my wine glass away from my hands. He grabbed the wine bottle, filled my glass to the top, and sat back down.
“It looks like a storm is rolling in,” he said quietly, looking at the dark clouds out the window. “I just washed my horse. It always rains right after I wash my horse.” He took a sip of wine and stuffed some hobbit weed into his pipe. Lighting his pipe, he took a few quick puffs to ensure a steady burn. Finally, he took a long drag from the pipe. “Well, fozzer,” Gandalf said in a funny muffled high pitched voice. He exhaled and continued. “So do all who come across the One Schlong, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the One Schlong with the time that is given to us. The One Schlong is not a curse. Rather, it is a gift!” Gandalf sat back in the seat, wondering if he had given a speech similar to that in the past. He shrugged and took another drag.
I took a sip of wine and thought over his words of wisdom. “So you’re saying,” I said to Gandalf, “is to decide what to do with the One Schlong when I’m with it?” Gandalf nodded in response as I sat back in my chair, letting my thoughts wander as the wine worked my head. All of a sudden, a puff of smoke was blown in my face. I sat up and turned to Gandalf with a surprised look on my face. Gandalf laughed.
“Do you think you could stop thinking about the One Schlong and focus on the reason you came here?” he asked jokingly. Apparently, Gandalf was ready for some action.
“I’m sorry Gandalf,” I said, embarrassed. I took another sip of wine. “As I was saying, Legolas said that you could help me with the hobbits and their hair.”
“Ah, yes, of course. Let’s start a bath first. You need to be taught the technique of the special solution that I use. If you use the solution the wrong way, their hair will only go limp.” I followed Gandalf to his tub and helped him with getting his bath started. It didn’t take long, beings that he is a wizard. Then I followed him to his closet. “Hmm, let me see here,” he said, stroking his beard. “Here we go.” He pulled out a glass jar filled with a milky solution and set it on a counter. Then he pulled out another glass jar. However, this jar was a dark blue, so I couldn’t see what was in there. “Oh, I know what I have in here that you might use,” he muttered to himself. He pulled out a flat round red jar with a thick substance inside of it. He handed it to me. “Use this the next time you’re with somebody. Have them rub it on you. It’s great for the nymph in you,” he said, winking. He leaned in closer to my ear. “Or the nymph on you.” I took it and thanked him, looking at the jar inquisitively. “Now let’s go to the bath so I can show you how to use these things for the hobbits.” We went to the bath where I learned many tricks and techniques. I could have been with Gandalf for hours. What an educated being he is. He taught me so many things that I have never dreamed of. He even washed my hair for me. :D What a treat that was! His hands are so skilled!
Once the lesson was over, it was dark outside. I kissed Gandalf on the cheek and thanked him profusely. Carrying my new goodies in my arms, I headed home down the dimly lit street feeling satisfied with what I had learned today.
Yeah, okay, so my stories tend to be cheesy or lame. But, heck, it’s fun for me. :D